"Does it ever annoy you," I ask, "that Matt is insane?"
"It's more interesting to me," Emily answered, "to be with an insane person. I've laughed more with Matt than I have in my entire life. It can
get tedious though. Like when I was really excited to go clothes-shopping,
and Matt saw this white pigeon so he had me chasing this white pigeon for
like an HOUR outside the shops and I didn't buy a single thing for myself
all day."
"And you were chasing the white pigeon because^Ê"
"Maybe six months after the chicken incident, Matt saw a voodoo priestess in New Orleans who told him: 'I fly through the smoke!' She said there was a
terrible curse on him, and he couldn't eat any more chicken. He has to draw
three crosses on a dollar bill, fold it up and stuff it down a white pigeon's throat and go to the crossroads nearest to where he killed the
chicken, throw the pigeon up in the air and turn around and walk away."
We were in Salem, Mass., witch central, to find something to defeat the
chicken curse in a manner not involving more bloodshed (ie., no dollar bills
down the throat of white pigeons). We found Merlin, who stared deep into our
eyes and then drew a heart with curlicues and said it must be put on Matt's
door, then Matt had to sit on an egg, and the chicken curse would be gone.
Merlin sold Emily some special rocks to put in Matt's pocket for $38 plus
tax.
Emily asked me for love advice. I advocated breaking up is because Emily and
Matt are both extraordinarily beautiful. You gotta distribute the wealth.
Remember Raquel Welch and the horse-faced man? They were married 40 years!
And if Emily and the boyfriend had a kid, it would be SO beautiful they'd
always have to worry about it getting kidnapped. Or else it would be really
crazy, but no one would give the child the help it needed, because they'd be
fooled by its looks. These are things to consider.
