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I imagine sex with everyone. I do it all day long. It's not good sex most of the time, believe me. If a 70-year-old crosses my path, I gotta picture it just the same. Even with 70-year-old ladies! Even with 70-year-old ladies with rosarie beads. I'm a victim in all this. The very worst is the people on MTV, because there they are, staring back at me, and I'm not forced by societal norms to look away for an entire two-and-a-half minutes. Some two-and-a-half minutes are worse than others. This is an obvious one: Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins. He was never exactly attractive, but lately he's turned more and more into a piece of taffy with a lollipop head, culminating in their incredible Batman video. It's not like before I saw the video I was walking around thinking, "Thank the fates I'm not doing it with Billy Corgan. Life is good." Now I do. Believe it or not, I bet Celine Dion is pretty good in bed. She's a make-love type: candlelight, sumptuous roast and wine, gentle hands--not what my average reader looks for in a lay, but there's someone for everyone, and for Celine's bearded, fatherly manager-husband, there's Celine. But as I watched on VH-1 her unfortunately-shaped lips drag out words about her heart going on and on while stars blazed in the background and an enormous ship went down, I was hit with the fantasy of me and Celine bumping into each other backstage at the Grammys show. In the filthiest language she lets me know that she'll do anything to get good reviews out of journalists like me. She says she'll take me into her private dressing room and rake her fake nails across my back until they break off, and then when she¹s done with me she'll just glue them back on and no one will be the wiser. She's saying all these inappropriate things in that careful French-Canadian accent of hers, like, "Who¹s your momma, bitch?" At first I try to stifle my laughter, snort into my fist--then all of a sudden I'm totally freakin' turned on. I say, "OK, come get me, hot momma," in my Yankee accent. She hurries me into her room and just slams me to the floor and it's so great. She's so lithe and coiffed. Wildcat. |
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